Isn't love great?
I tasted it and it's flavours are unforgettable. I'm sure one day it will come back and I can use it in a more skilful way. They say you have to pay a price for love, I think it's about finding the right price. There is no 'free' and never will be, that is how a relationship works.
My love encounters and blunders
I think I had love once. I would like to think I am relatively educated in the field of relationships now and am currently enjoying a breathing period before the next encounter.
Of all the relationships I have had with people, the only time I can recognise what has gone wrong is in a period of self-reflection just after a (usually) messy, long winded break up.
Someone said to me the other day "I've never had a messy break up" and my instantaneous thought was "You've never had anything that meant a lot then". I may be wrong, accuse me of rash thinking if you like, I still think it now.
I think, if you've never had a messy break up then you must have never cared much about the person. In my experience my break ups are messy because of the amount of emotional attachment between the two people. It rips me to pieces if I don't want it to end and vica versa.
In my most recent encounter it was a case of neither of us wanting it to end but it had to, we just didn't work, we didn't get along. After the initial idea, it was dragged out and became a painful experience which I have (and still am trying) to bury deep somewhere in my memory so, if need be, when I think of it again it will have been long enough for it to then be covered in roses and smell like fresh air.
Ouch! There it is again *sigh*
My last relationship meant a lot to me, it was a huge learning curve and it was with a completely different type of person. She was fantastic but I think maybe we were too alike in some ways...certainly in the 'stubborn as a donkey' way.
It was a massive shame, I had the innocent, adolescent dreams of a future together, something I haven't felt for a long time.
Another possible reason for our break up (also a nice link to the next part of this blog), was the lack of a 'honeymoon' period. Because of the situation we both found ourselves in and because of our circumstances, we missed the 'honeymoon' type walks on the beach, the gentle kisses and the fun alone.
We found ourselves almost instantly living the lives of a married couple, which was nice and worked at first, but we definitely missed out on one of the fundamental parts of a fresh relationship..we had no chance to grow together.
A vain hope of friendship was also destroyed by the volatile nature of our relationship and now all is lost.
It makes it so much harder to move on when you care so much. I think everybody has experienced this.
The next part I referred to earlier is...
The Honeymoon period
What a beautiful part of any relationship. This is the part of the relationship I enjoy the most, the courting. The beautiful words and feelings exchanged between two people bearing their souls and naked bodies to each other for the first time. The pure, untouched innocence of two individuals meeting and developing a whole new life to share together.
(You may notice, I'm a slight romantic. I might run away with these subjects, be warned!)
I love the excitement of the honeymoon. Everything is new and fresh...everything is beautiful. One of the problems in many relationships is the awkward, painful bump of the soil on your arse as you wake up to the real world at the end of the honeymoon.
I can never see the end of the honeymoon coming, it always surprises me. That horrid moment when you fall out of the cocoon that you and your new partner have wrapped yourselves up in.
It's like a beautiful butterfly being created inside a chrysalis and then when the chrysalis opens, finding out it can't fly...where's the beautiful butterfly now? It has a long climb back up that's for sure!
So, the honeymoon. Such an amazing time of sunsets and sunrises, countryside and so on. This is what I yearn for when I am single, to feel that excitement again. To feel the love and to know someone wants me in their life so much.
I don't think I will ever be able to put that feeling into words, that's why I seem to be dribbling on about it. I am sure you have all experienced it and if you haven't...look forward to it! There is no amount of embarrassment that is considered too much to be able to have this feeling. I would do almost anything for it, and have!
The next part is (for me) the hardest part.
Once the honeymoon has ended, the adjustments that need to be made so the relationship can survive the swings and roundabouts of life. It's like preparing a ship for a rough sea, checking and double checking everything is secure before you make the voyage.
The problem is; you don't know what life is going to throw at you. It changes 'per relationship', something that wasn't a problem before is now a fundamental issue. This confuses me to a whole new degree.
I often think this is where I have always gone wrong..
If I had somehow managed to have had an amicable break up, I could re-visit...
I should imagine some of you are shouting "NO!! THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG!" at the computer screen right now but wait, hear me out me first.
So, I've managed an amicable break up and am now considering a re-visit. The reason a re-visit makes sense is because I know the person, I know all potential problems between us and how they can be dealt with. I know this because I have had my 'reflection' period directly after the break up and my 'calm thinking' moment whilst being single.
I am now in an excellent position to tackle this problem head on. I would only re-visit if the relationship & person had meant a lot to me, so I know it would be worth it.
An excellent idea! If you're in the position to re-visit, give it a bash and let me know how it turns out!
I am a soppy bugger most of the time but this has it's bad sides. I get walked on, I let myself get walked on. I am guilty of placing my partner on a pedestal. Holding them higher than myself and putting them in front of everything in the world. I have had some experiences where the person has (accidently) abused this and I have reacted badly to that. I mean, essentially it's my own damn fault...right?
My mother once said to me -
"Put someone on a pedestal and they will look down on you".
..She's nuts but in this instance, she is right..
Anyway, so nothing to turn back to, only things to look forward to.
I find it very easy to realise these things as I am writing them but when I try to put them into practice, I fail.
Throughout my relationships I have learnt so much about myself. Some have told me things about myself, whilst others have just provided an experience which I can treat as a lesson!
I had one girlfriend who was supportive, very supportive. She respected me and although she didn't always agree with what I was saying she respected my views. That was a truly fun relationship which was unfortunately massacred during the break up period.
The reason I enjoyed that relationship so much was it showed me what I really wanted from my future partner. I also enjoyed it because of the huge amount of belief my girlfriend placed in me.
I began to understand that something I really required was support and security. I love a good, solid, reliable relationship. This is on my check-list now.
I have 'trust' issues...this is what I have been told. I agree, yes I do but in my bloody minded view at the time, I expected the girl to be able to cope with them rather than addressing them myself. - FAIL
I think the point I am trying to get round to is that I think everybody wants the same thing. They just want it in a different way. I have come to realise that even if my girlfriend wants the same things as me...we can still argue about them because we look at them in a different way.
It's insane!!
I know my friends have experienced what I have (in different ways) and have had many different reactions to them. The problem for me now is that I don't want to be single, but at the same time, I do.
I hate the cliche "I need some 'me' time."
That's a load of crap...you need a maximum of three weeks 'me' time and then you get bored of 'me'!
I don't need 'me' time. I do want some time to get myself back in position and get my life back on track. I think I should be more cautious in my next relationship, if I was playing poker then every hand, I'd go all in! That hasn't worked so now...cautious..
I miss the cuddles and the company, you know, the classic stuff. I also miss sex but for some unknown reason, a one night stand is (almost) acceptable, where as a one night cuddle isn't. Sex can be sorted...a decent cuddle is hard to come by!
I miss the connection, I miss the comfort but there are lots of things I don't miss which support my current situation and I suppose in some ways, I'm enjoying myself.
I now get to write my blog, work on my car and draw! These are all brilliant creative outlets that I don't do when I'm in a relationship.
Is there such a thing as relationship autistic? I think I might be that..I don't realise what I miss when I'm in a relationship. I don't get the feeling "I miss ....." but when I get to do it again I suddenly realise "I love ....., I have missed ..... so much!!"
Anyway.
I don't know where this is going now and I've kind of lost track but this is why I have the blog..
I love relationships and am now on the quest to carefully look for one which won't kill me or the other person. I need to find my future.
I will treat it like 'time team' dusting through the mud and dirt to find the spoils and treasures of a forgotten era.
I think I am going to go with the policy of If you look, you will not find. This seems like the safest bet (really it's because I am removing all expectations for me to have a girlfriend). I am waiting for one to get near, to taste it. When I like the taste I will follow it and try to add something to it to make it better.
I am very tired and it's now starting to show in my writing. This has gone from 'The Young Rambles' to 'THE PSYCHO NIGHTLY'
If you feel you have something to add to this, go ahead, please!. You can email me at JJBellhouse@hotmail.co.uk if you feel that your advice would help me..or even provide a subject for me to ponder over.
Night all..
No comments:
Post a Comment