Time for a post (t'is a long'un..)

Ahh family...a great subject.

Really tough to write about, no doubt it's going to drag up some crap I've attempted to ignore/bury but I'm going to trawl through just for you (the reader).

I personally think my family life and my upbringing has been pretty normal but I know that some people think I have had it easy whilst others think I've had it hard.

Here we go..

Completely normal childhood up until my early teens. I was happy, my family had a nice house, we had pets, I argued with my sister and that was pretty much it.

My dad retired from the Royal Navy and started his own company in Boat refurbishment. My mother ran quite a successful Day Nursery and because of this, our house had to be quite large to accommodate for the children who attended. My sister and I had full run off the house during closing hours and a million toys to play with.

One morning when I left to go to school (secondary school), my dad told me my mum was feeling ill and was in bed so I shouted goodbye and cycled into school to begin my day of being a nuisance.

When I got back I found out my mum was still feeling ill so I went to see her, she seemed ok so dad cooked dinner and the evening carried on as normal.

A few days passed, mum was ok again, etc, etc.

Then a few days later, my dad told me my mum was ill again and she was going to the hospital because it seemed pretty serious. I went up to her room to see her and found her sitting up in bed. Half of her face was motionless, it was dropped down and had no movement at all.

I later learned this is what stroke victims looked like but my mum had not had a stroke.

She was taken to the hospital and tested for many different things, she came home that night and after a few days was completely back to normal and felt fine.

The tests showed nothing.

After a while, the worry started to disappear and we became a normal family again. Mum running the day nursery, etc.

After a period of months, the same thing happened again but this time it also affected her eyesight. One of her eyes was fixed looking left and she couldn't move it or see out of it.

Again a hospital visit was scheduled and again the tests showed nothing.

My mum stayed in hospital for 3 days this time and during one of the days was visited by a lady called Dr Rice-oxley.

Dr Rice Oxley spoke to my mum about a disease that was still relatively unknown and was very hard to diagnose. She said she wouldn't be able to actually diagnose my mother with it until they had ruled out everything else (basically, after deciding it's not A, B or C it must be ...).

After a few weeks my mum was (vaguely) diagnosed with Relapsing and remitting, Multiple Sclerosis. At the time, very little was known about MS and my family were not told how much it could disrupt our lives.

At any given time, my mum could suffer from a relapse and could lose the use of a finger or could be completely immobile.

After this, my memories blur into a slight recollection of these times.

My mum was forced to close the day nursery and my dads small, hobby company became the only income for our family. We began to struggle. My sister and I found it hard to adjust to the new, less fortunate situation but we kind of had to.

Eventually the decision was made to sell our family home and downsize. There was no way my dad could support everything on his income and the house would need work soon.

We sold up and moved into a much smaller property located further away from my friends.

I had finished school and focused on helping with the house move and the legal papers involved.

The place we moved to was located about 5 doors down from a pub. I remember me and my dad sitting outside this pub feeling a bit grim because of the realisation of having to buy such a small house.

After we moved, things changed dramatically. My mums motor skills went downhill rapidly, she lost all her confidence due to the constant threat of having a relapse and she became very depressed.

My dad struggled to deal with the pressure and began to drink heavily to try and forget the real world.

My sister didn't really live at home anymore but came down frequently to try and help.

I became a part time carer for my mum, I wasn't in a good enough financial position to be able to afford a car so I stayed at home most of the time. I had a couple of friends who visited me but it wasn't the sort of place you drove past so I relied on my friend Andy to visit me and take me out. When I did have a car I would go to see him and we would spend the night driving around Chichester (my local City). We didn't do much really but it felt like such a relief to be out of the house.

Andy soon became a very good friend of mine and our personality grew and developed in a joint way. We both have the same humour and feelings and we both have the same sense of morality.

My mum and dad argued more and more. It became a frequent thing and then one night my dad stayed out. I instantly informed my sister and she came down so we could do some detective work.

We followed my dad from work one night and he went into someone's house, we both knew exactly what was going on but we were too distraught to face it.

A few days later I breached the subject face to face with my dad and he confessed all - he was having an affair.

It became a game of cat and mouse. My dad said he would stop being unfaithful and I decided not to tell my mum because it would destroy her.

My dad didn't stop, he just tried harder to hide it and I kept catching him. Eventually me and my sister decided enough was enough so we told my mum. She was in pieces, it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to say to someone.

The family fell apart, my mum begged my dad to stop, he didn't. He decided he would have to leave the house. My mum begged him to stay, he didn't. He was given so many opportunities to change his mind but he didn't look back once.

I hated him, I hated my life.

My mum became nasty, she was malicious and devious. She became very selfish and if things didn't go her way, she would kick off. Once she tried to stab my dad but he got away with a little nick on his arm. She also reported me to the police for being abusive to her and she was terrible to my sister.

My uncle (dad's indentical twin brother) came down to try and help, it ended with me kicking my dad out of the house (literally) whilst trying to pin my uncle against the wall.

My whole world had fallen apart, everything was wrong. I hated my family and who we had become. I never wanted to see anyone ever again.

Still, when the days were less damaging, I saw Andy, we laughed and everything was ok.

Soon enough, divorce papers were filed. My mum decided she would like to move back to Devon to be near her mother, sister and brother. It seemed like a good idea. My dad was living on a boat near where he worked and spending most of his time with his new girlfriend.

I saw him once a week when he would drop in food he had bought for me and mum.

My mum and I moved into some temporary accommodation until we found her a flat in Devon.

My Auntie (mum's sister) offered to take my mum until she found somewhere, we went ahead with that.

I was now faced with a new problem. I had no job (because I was no longer a carer), I had no home and no-where to go.

My dad had moved into his girlfriends house...we still barely spoke.

I eventually found somewhere I could live. My parents divorce left me and my sister with some money. My money was handed over to me in an envelope with a letter from my dad saying "That's it, no more" with the lead for the family dog, who was attached to one end.

I considered this money 'dirty'. I wanted to have nothing to do with it and intended to get rid of it asap.

I rented a log cabin on the outskirts of Chichester for the summer. I went out every Tuesday, Friday and Saturday night. I had barbeques, ate in ridiculously expensive restaurants and bought a lot of electronic, gadgety things.

I upgraded to a more expensive cabin which hung over the edge of the lake, bought two cars and a speedboat.

It was a pretty amazing time..

One of my friends bought a house that needed restoration and I started going there in the evenings to help. We decided we should live together. I didn't renew the tenancy on the cabin but the house wasn't finished in time. This was the first time I had to bite the bullet.

I was speaking to my dad every now and again, I spoke to my mum every day and me and my sister had become very close and saw each other regularly.

My dad found out that I was soon to be homeless and asked me if I would like to live with him temporarily. I didn't know what to do, in the end I accepted because I didn't have much option!

I found out living with him and his new girlfriend in a 3 bedroom house wasn't what i had imagined. I ended up living next to their house...on the driveway...in a caravan.

It was a strange time...that's what you call downsizing!

After a few months the house was finished and I moved in on the day we completed.

Another friend moved in and another period of carnage began. I got back in contact with a girl who I used to go out with (6 years previous).

I fell in love, she fell in love. She was at University in Norwich and we did what ever it took to see each other as often as possible.

Time passed and eventually I decided I had to get out of the carnage house.

My girlfriends mother offered me a room and I moved in.

I had a great time, I had to adjust my ways a fair bit but I got to see my girlfriend for longer because we just spent all our time together at her mums. It worked out so much better. Before I had to 'share' her with her mother but now I saw her for the whole weekend.

I drove up to see her every other weekend and we became completely besotted with each other.

When she graduated from University we moved in together. It was lots of fun at the beginning and I finally felt settled for the first time since my parents divorced.

After a year or so things started to go wrong and we eventually split up and moved apart.

I had started studying Architecture at Portsmouth University and had to move into central Portsmouth with people I have never met before.

I missed my friends, I missed my girlfriend and I felt very low. My first love had gone and my friends were not next door.

Meanwhile...

My dad and his girlfriend were going strong. She was bearable but was quite arrogant and selfish. She also drank a fair bit which wasn't helping my dad who was by now, a drunk.

My sister was living in Haywards Heath and had taken on a secure, telephone support role for me to moan to. She let me get angry and she let me cry, this helped a lot

My mum was now in her own flat in Devon. She had not enjoyed the time she had spent at her sister's and this had made it a lot harder for me.

Part of the reason me and my girlfriend had split up was because my mum had become very ill and had been taken to hospital. She was moved to St Richards in Chichester and during her recovery period had come to stay with me and my girlfriend. This was my girlfriend's decision and eventually started put a huge strain on our relationship.

When my mother was better she went back to her property in Devon and my girlfriend and I ended our time living together.

Recently..

University has not gone as I had hoped since then and a few things have been sent to test me but I will continue to fight for what I desire.

I have experienced another love and lost another love. I have lost family members and gained family members.

I continue to meet incredible people every day and still look at the world through someone else's eyes. I still yearn for security and a family but I have come to realise...I have one.

Andy is still my closest friend and I now have his family as my own. I am close to them and consider them very dear. I was invited to their house last year for Christmas and will be doing the same this year. Last year was my first, relaxed Christmas for 4 years. I had forgotten what it was all about and it re-kindled a fire I once had..a fire for family life.

This has made me want my own securities more than ever, I will always look for it.

I am now able to express my family needs through Andy's family and it has helped so much.

Since then I have had other up's and down's but have now found my place.

I am not sure of my future career, I am not sure if I will ever be a millionaire but I know one thing.

I didn't choose my family, I have to put up with them.

BUT

I did choose my friends, they also chose me and I am unbelievably lucky to have such a wonderful group of people surrounding me.

I don't think my life has been all that bad so far. I've seen worse and I can only be grateful for having the ride I have.

I will continue to struggle on, I will continue to look for my future partner...I may continue to get it wrong.

I hope to be writing this blog in 5 years time reclining in a leather massage chair whilst throwing fifty pound notes into the air, but if I still have my friends, am in a comfortable financial situation and have found true love...I couldn't give a shit about money or anything else.

I hope this story makes you want to weigh up how lucky you have been and be grateful for what you've got.

I know that Andy will not read this, he's not the type but anyone who knows him will now understand why we are such good friends. I couldn't have asked to have met a better person. I could never thank him enough and I hope that the small favours and efforts I give will one day, begin to pay back a small amount of what I owe him..a true friend.

-BLANK-

I don't really have anything to write about but I felt bad for not blogging for a couple of days. To entertain any readers I have enclosed a link for a fantastic post from a twitter buddy. It's an amazing story that has brought tears to many:

http://davielegend.blogspot.com/2010/11/littlest-hero.html

Love lost and Love to be found

I'm not a poet, I don't claim to be. I like poems that rhyme, I struggle to understand poems that don't. Sometimes things are understood easier with a poem. It leaves a capacity for the mind to creatively wander.

I wrote this poem about love based on recent experiences with partners, friends, etc

It's about love that has gone and the test of waiting and looking for it again.

Eyes grow large on a mindful hill,

realism grabs me and holds me still,

I cannot touch, nor will not try,

for the innocence of being, contains a lie

I would have followed, to feel two breathe

to taste the wonders, of a living supreme

but now I'm here, just me on my own

treading so gently, upon the bones

of others victims, of this cruel crime

that took my confidence, with my time

and look at me now, left broken and weak

left with wants, and in great need

for I have seen, my lips did taste,

the hands have touched upon my face

the gent'lest feel of long silk hair

the breath of beauty in the air

and now I'm sad, it has all gone

I need it back, but can't wait long

the nicest knowledge, to carry with me

is I'm with you and you're with me.

just like a breeze, you flew away

but you my love, will be found one day

you'll come to me, I'll look for you

and when you're here, it's all been true.

Love and associated feelings

Isn't love great?

I tasted it and it's flavours are unforgettable. I'm sure one day it will come back and I can use it in a more skilful way. They say you have to pay a price for love, I think it's about finding the right price. There is no 'free' and never will be, that is how a relationship works.

My love encounters and blunders

I think I had love once. I would like to think I am relatively educated in the field of relationships now and am currently enjoying a breathing period before the next encounter.

Of all the relationships I have had with people, the only time I can recognise what has gone wrong is in a period of self-reflection just after a (usually) messy, long winded break up.

Someone said to me the other day "I've never had a messy break up" and my instantaneous thought was "You've never had anything that meant a lot then". I may be wrong, accuse me of rash thinking if you like, I still think it now.

I think, if you've never had a messy break up then you must have never cared much about the person. In my experience my break ups are messy because of the amount of emotional attachment between the two people. It rips me to pieces if I don't want it to end and vica versa.

In my most recent encounter it was a case of neither of us wanting it to end but it had to, we just didn't work, we didn't get along. After the initial idea, it was dragged out and became a painful experience which I have (and still am trying) to bury deep somewhere in my memory so, if need be, when I think of it again it will have been long enough for it to then be covered in roses and smell like fresh air.

Ouch! There it is again *sigh*

My last relationship meant a lot to me, it was a huge learning curve and it was with a completely different type of person. She was fantastic but I think maybe we were too alike in some ways...certainly in the 'stubborn as a donkey' way.

It was a massive shame, I had the innocent, adolescent dreams of a future together, something I haven't felt for a long time.

Another possible reason for our break up (also a nice link to the next part of this blog), was the lack of a 'honeymoon' period. Because of the situation we both found ourselves in and because of our circumstances, we missed the 'honeymoon' type walks on the beach, the gentle kisses and the fun alone.

We found ourselves almost instantly living the lives of a married couple, which was nice and worked at first, but we definitely missed out on one of the fundamental parts of a fresh relationship..we had no chance to grow together.

A vain hope of friendship was also destroyed by the volatile nature of our relationship and now all is lost.

It makes it so much harder to move on when you care so much. I think everybody has experienced this.

The next part I referred to earlier is...

The Honeymoon period

What a beautiful part of any relationship. This is the part of the relationship I enjoy the most, the courting. The beautiful words and feelings exchanged between two people bearing their souls and naked bodies to each other for the first time. The pure, untouched innocence of two individuals meeting and developing a whole new life to share together.

(You may notice, I'm a slight romantic. I might run away with these subjects, be warned!)

I love the excitement of the honeymoon. Everything is new and fresh...everything is beautiful. One of the problems in many relationships is the awkward, painful bump of the soil on your arse as you wake up to the real world at the end of the honeymoon.

I can never see the end of the honeymoon coming, it always surprises me. That horrid moment when you fall out of the cocoon that you and your new partner have wrapped yourselves up in.

It's like a beautiful butterfly being created inside a chrysalis and then when the chrysalis opens, finding out it can't fly...where's the beautiful butterfly now? It has a long climb back up that's for sure!

So, the honeymoon. Such an amazing time of sunsets and sunrises, countryside and so on. This is what I yearn for when I am single, to feel that excitement again. To feel the love and to know someone wants me in their life so much.

I don't think I will ever be able to put that feeling into words, that's why I seem to be dribbling on about it. I am sure you have all experienced it and if you haven't...look forward to it! There is no amount of embarrassment that is considered too much to be able to have this feeling. I would do almost anything for it, and have!

The next part is (for me) the hardest part.

Once the honeymoon has ended, the adjustments that need to be made so the relationship can survive the swings and roundabouts of life. It's like preparing a ship for a rough sea, checking and double checking everything is secure before you make the voyage.

The problem is; you don't know what life is going to throw at you. It changes 'per relationship', something that wasn't a problem before is now a fundamental issue. This confuses me to a whole new degree.

I often think this is where I have always gone wrong..

If I had somehow managed to have had an amicable break up, I could re-visit...

I should imagine some of you are shouting "NO!! THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG!" at the computer screen right now but wait, hear me out me first.

So, I've managed an amicable break up and am now considering a re-visit. The reason a re-visit makes sense is because I know the person, I know all potential problems between us and how they can be dealt with. I know this because I have had my 'reflection' period directly after the break up and my 'calm thinking' moment whilst being single.

I am now in an excellent position to tackle this problem head on. I would only re-visit if the relationship & person had meant a lot to me, so I know it would be worth it.

An excellent idea! If you're in the position to re-visit, give it a bash and let me know how it turns out!

I am a soppy bugger most of the time but this has it's bad sides. I get walked on, I let myself get walked on. I am guilty of placing my partner on a pedestal. Holding them higher than myself and putting them in front of everything in the world. I have had some experiences where the person has (accidently) abused this and I have reacted badly to that. I mean, essentially it's my own damn fault...right?

My mother once said to me -

"Put someone on a pedestal and they will look down on you".

..She's nuts but in this instance, she is right..

Anyway, so nothing to turn back to, only things to look forward to.

I find it very easy to realise these things as I am writing them but when I try to put them into practice, I fail.

Throughout my relationships I have learnt so much about myself. Some have told me things about myself, whilst others have just provided an experience which I can treat as a lesson!

I had one girlfriend who was supportive, very supportive. She respected me and although she didn't always agree with what I was saying she respected my views. That was a truly fun relationship which was unfortunately massacred during the break up period.

The reason I enjoyed that relationship so much was it showed me what I really wanted from my future partner. I also enjoyed it because of the huge amount of belief my girlfriend placed in me.

I began to understand that something I really required was support and security. I love a good, solid, reliable relationship. This is on my check-list now.

I have 'trust' issues...this is what I have been told. I agree, yes I do but in my bloody minded view at the time, I expected the girl to be able to cope with them rather than addressing them myself. - FAIL

I think the point I am trying to get round to is that I think everybody wants the same thing. They just want it in a different way. I have come to realise that even if my girlfriend wants the same things as me...we can still argue about them because we look at them in a different way.

It's insane!!

I know my friends have experienced what I have (in different ways) and have had many different reactions to them. The problem for me now is that I don't want to be single, but at the same time, I do.

I hate the cliche "I need some 'me' time."

That's a load of crap...you need a maximum of three weeks 'me' time and then you get bored of 'me'!

I don't need 'me' time. I do want some time to get myself back in position and get my life back on track. I think I should be more cautious in my next relationship, if I was playing poker then every hand, I'd go all in! That hasn't worked so now...cautious..

I miss the cuddles and the company, you know, the classic stuff. I also miss sex but for some unknown reason, a one night stand is (almost) acceptable, where as a one night cuddle isn't. Sex can be sorted...a decent cuddle is hard to come by!

I miss the connection, I miss the comfort but there are lots of things I don't miss which support my current situation and I suppose in some ways, I'm enjoying myself.

I now get to write my blog, work on my car and draw! These are all brilliant creative outlets that I don't do when I'm in a relationship.

Is there such a thing as relationship autistic? I think I might be that..I don't realise what I miss when I'm in a relationship. I don't get the feeling "I miss ....." but when I get to do it again I suddenly realise "I love ....., I have missed ..... so much!!"

Anyway.

I don't know where this is going now and I've kind of lost track but this is why I have the blog..

I love relationships and am now on the quest to carefully look for one which won't kill me or the other person. I need to find my future.

I will treat it like 'time team' dusting through the mud and dirt to find the spoils and treasures of a forgotten era.

I think I am going to go with the policy of If you look, you will not find. This seems like the safest bet (really it's because I am removing all expectations for me to have a girlfriend). I am waiting for one to get near, to taste it. When I like the taste I will follow it and try to add something to it to make it better.

I am very tired and it's now starting to show in my writing. This has gone from 'The Young Rambles' to 'THE PSYCHO NIGHTLY'

If you feel you have something to add to this, go ahead, please!. You can email me at JJBellhouse@hotmail.co.uk if you feel that your advice would help me..or even provide a subject for me to ponder over.

Night all..

The war of the world

This post is led from a series of recent News stories, articles and general hype which is beginning to encompass the whole world.

A few years ago, the world began to notice random terrorist type events which were led from religions and general disagreements between Nations and beliefs.

These 'scares' are becoming more frequent and now there seems to be a permanent reign of terror in some part of the world. I know that these events have always been happening and now (because of the internet) we receive information about such things more often, but...

It does seem to be more common now.

Everyday I learn of another threat to society that has begun and how it will affect somewhere or something.

I started thinking about this because of the student protests in London at the conservative headquarters. I understand the reason for the protest and I understand that it got 'out of hand' by pure accident (so rumour has it), but want I don't understand is the lengths some people went to to make their statement.

A few years ago a protest in Britain meant sitting outside a depot with a banner and if you wanted to be really extreme you would handcuff yourself to a gate or something. But now everything has changed. The student protests were fuelled by anger, there was nothing rational about them and now, because of this, their message has been forgotten and the law has been harsh upon them.

To me, it looked like some European looting rampage as opposed to a group of disgruntled British students trying to make a political statement.

I think everybody had the same feeling when watching the fire extinguisher being hurled from the top of the building and almost hitting a policeman. It was unnecessary, as was most of the protest itself. How can anyone expect to be taken seriously if this is the result?

There is no room for negotiation thanks to this mindless vandalism.

However, this is just one example of what is now happening in Britain and across the world. Protests are becoming riots, times of mourning are being attacked and most of the issues we read about now are quite frankly, below the belt.

There was also the recent incident of the Poppy burning in London?!

Germany has been threatened with an Islamic attack, Madagascar have been threatened with a new regime led by angry Soldiers discussing taking 'power'.

The list goes on..

I know that we mainly only hear bad news but these sort of scares are happening at an average rate of 2 per day and its obvious that this will increase over time.

Is there not something we can do put a stop to all this? A 'no nonsense' policy? 1 Strike and you're out..

The problem now is that this terrorist type behaviour has begun to effect so many people that it seems to be the new answer to any problem that could possibly exist. At this rate, in 10 years time people will be threatening a small Hamlet with a nuclear stand off just because the person didn't think their library fine was acceptable.

As I mentioned in a previous post, people on twitter have been affected by this and now cannot make a joke or pun without having the full force of the law put upon them.

Surely, when looking at it from this point of view, the Metropolitan Police must realise they are wasting all this time chasing imaginary threats?

Is it because the real threats are too hard to deal with? Because they're only getting worse!

I know by writing this I am opening a can of worms and am also, in effect, putting my own head on the block. I can see the headlines already: BOY USES BLOG TO PROMOTE DEATH & VIOLENCE TO ENTIRE WORLD, SOLAR SYSTEM AND UNIVERSE!

Hahaha...

So, is it getting worse? it getting more common? What can we do?

These are the problems we should be addressing. The whole scenario reminds me of some sort of '1984esque' novel. We will be an entirely controlled nation, helpless, defenseless and completely dependable on a regime that 'cares' for us. Whilst renegades and mavericks roam free and terrorise us.

(It could also be a little like mad max.. )

This needs to be sorted out pretty quickly really because its all becoming a bit dangerous. I want back the times of protesting in a duffel coat with a banner I've painted using watercolours. No more climbing on buildings to make a point.

If this is because the government aren't hearing your voice, find another...better way to get their attention!

I don't like the idea of having to raise my children in a threatened world and then dying and leaving them with a problem that my generation created.

Chase the right people and stop them

Saturday Song List is as follows -

Lighthouse family - High (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOBayZ-517k)

Audioslave - Be yourself (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WC5FdFlUcl0)

Pachelbels Canon in D (Classic - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Af372EQLck&feature=fvst)

Stiff little fingers - Beirut Moon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3QHkmJMhn4)

Nik Kershaw - The riddle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ehHOwmQRxU)

Chaka Khan - I feel for you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObjLb6ElTvs)

Phaeleh - Plink (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQBBFt5rXz0) - Sit back and relax!!

Also I would like to add a song to the list which isn't essentially a song but this week it has helped me along my way a little bit..

Matt cardle (X Factor) - The first time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-5M93tovEs)

New feature! Saturday Songs List

The Saturday song list comprises a list of songs I enjoy and have listened to during the week.

It would be silly to list all the songs so this is a small compilation of excellence!

If you have any suggestions either comment or tweet me @JamesBellhouse

TOP OF THIS WEEKS LIST:

Led Zeppelin - Tangerine

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-AbHItLrJw)

Scams, lies and thiefs

Recently I have been reading a book about Bernard Madoff.

This man has been noted for almost pulling off the worlds greatest scam. He managed to mug America off to the tune of 65 Billion dollars.

That's a lot of money! But how?!

Well he abused trust and he was (evidently) a very, very clever man.

After meeting with a friend of mine today who is in the financial services game, it got me thinking.

My friend works with the mortgage industry and I questioned him as to how I could scam him and the banks. He had a damn good final comment but that's by-the-by.

So, back to Bernie. The reason Madoff was caught was because his sons told the police what he was up to. Basically he used something called a Ponzi scheme to attract thousands of investors.

This is (roughly) how it worked:

- Investor 1 invests 50k on the basis that he will get the money back with a profit of 10%.

and then..

- Investor 2 invests 50k on the basis that he will get the money back with a profit of 10%.

finally..

- Investor 1 receives his 50k with 10% of the money from Investor 2's initial investment cash as 'profit'.

Ponzi complete..

- Investor 1 is amazed! He tells everyone and more people invest.

- Each investor is given money back every now and then until they are investing such large sums of cash, they are happy to be receiving monthly updates of how their 'investments' are doing.

Then a hedge fund is set up and all the investors put their money into the hedge fund which acts as a more long term investment which increases periodically thanks to clever stock market playing.

What is really happening is most of the investment money is now lining the pocket of the hedge fund manager (fake hedge fund) and small amounts are being paid back to investors.

What a fantastic idea?! Part of me has the attitude - If you're dumb enough to fall for it.. However, these types of scams are very clever and often hard to spot so that doesn't necessarily apply.

Now, to know exactly why Madoff did this is hard to figure out. He wasn't completely money hungry and he really had no reason to rip people off at all. He is one of the main people we have to thank for a computerised stock exchange. Thanks to the invention of that, he was in an excellent position (financially).

I think he almost didn't know how fraudulent he was being. He wasn't stupid, he must have known what he was doing but maybe it all got a little out of control?

Either that or he had the biggest balls known to man!

So, running with the idea of massive balls...

I questioned my friend, this is a slightly dramatised version of how the conversation went:

(Bold writing is me, italic writing is my friend)

So if I brought fake payslips to you would you give me a mortgage? I'd already have my loan from the bank which I would be telling you is my inheritance.

That works up to a point but the mortgage company will want to see bank statements, etc.

What if I had fake bank statements?

The mortgage company may check with the bank. Also, you'd fail on your credit score because the money isn't actually inheritance...it's a debt.

What if I invented a fake person, set up a fake bank account, transferred the loan to my new name and then applied with all my fake documents?

What sort of idiot would do that?!

The main problem is that a lot of the banks are interlinked and talk to each other. Anything fake would be pretty easy to find out.

Now, the most important part of the conversation....

Also, why would you even want to do that? Most of the checks (that the mortgage company make) are put in place to make sure you can actually afford the mortgage so even if you did get a mortgage by doing all of this, you wouldn't be able to pay it.

Haha, of course...he's right.

Then I'd effectively have own two names, two debts and wouldn't be able to pay either!

Unless I did a Madoff! - I won't, I'll be honest, my balls are no where near big enough to start trying to pull off large scale scams!

So, it's an interesting thought pattern. It shows how easily these things escalate into a whole world of trouble.

I'm not going to lie, most of this is just dribble coming out of my mouth and being transferred to paper (screen) in a rather poor blog attempt but I hope I get some cogs turning in brains.

Summary

I investigated a scam and it isn't possibly unless you have massive balls and a lot of luck.

I certainly do not condone scams and definitely don't advise them, DON'T DO IT, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

Now I'm going to make myself a cup of tea, have a cigarette (again, not condoned) and go to bed (after I've had a cigarette and my cup of tea).

Hope I haven't disappointed too much!

Night

Drifting apart

A friend gave me a funny look because I classed us being friends as a relationship....

Right, that said.

Drifting apart:

I had a very fortunate childhood. I had a good family, plenty of money (if it was needed - we weren't loaded) and was lucky enough to go to an excellent school.

I consider the school excellent not because of it's academic prowess but because of the bond it helped develop between me and my friends.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no spring chicken! We all make friends/mates at school but my school was different.

I left my secondary school 10 years ago and my bond with my friends is still the same as it was. We are all very close and all stay in contact with each other. Even people who I wasn't firm friends with have become closer.

I like to think of it like the Audi symbol...interlocking rings.

My Audi ring

My closest friends form one of these circles and individually, are friends with another member of another circle, thus interlocking all the circles and creating a huge network of friendly faces.

This occasionally holds the recipe for an amazing nightout, full of people you haven't seen for a few years but still get along famously with. Jokes and laughs-a-plenty!

Within my closest circle I have 4 solid, full time members extending to another 5 less, full time members and a further 3-4 part timers who live away or are unavailable but still honour the group.

This group of unlikely lads are my nearest and dearest. I consider them as close as any family member and know everything about them.

Within the group we have scuffles, scraps and squabbles but we always end up back with the old gang. Members come and go but the true ones will always be back!

What I find most amazing about my group of friends is the distance we can have from one another without anything changing.

I could travel to Pluto and I would still be considered part of the group. We are all so close, we all talk very regularly on the phone and I usually see a minimum of two members every week.

In the classic 'reunion' type events which are arranged from time to time, a couple will always let the side down and not show but this is what makes our group what it is...we know some of the group won't attend...it's what we do! haha

Some of the nicest times I ever experienced are when all my friends attend one event and the night is full of laughter. I feel excited knowing I will be surrounded by such an amazing group of people who all share the same bond.

We are not the type of group who need some sign to prove our love and devotion...tattoo's and such. There are many people who are a little bit green at the close knit community we seem to belong to but there is always room for new members!

As time passes we have had some people try to infiltrate but they never last long, you either fit in or you don't (We're not local..)

I think the reason we all achieve the interlocking rings thing is because, to people who don't know us too well, we are polite and interested. This always allows for a new relationship to form.

I occasionally feel the shadow of age lurking above me. It's a scary future, with lots to figure out but no matter where I go or what I do, I will rely on my friends. They have seen me cry, laugh, sweat and bleed and I wouldn't change anything about any of them. I have argued with some (most) of them over one thing or another but I wouldn't ever change this. Why? Because they have argued with me too. An eye for an eye...I hate them, they hate me.

This outlines another important part of the criteria:

For some unknown reason, very occasionally, when drunk we all turn into complete arseholes...arseholes with a kindred spirit. We have reeked havoc upon a few parties, raping and pillaging our way through small scale events nationwide.

..Kindred arseholes - what a concept..

I love them all, I will always love their subtleties...their ways. I hope they feel the same, I know they feel the same.

We will never change, just progress. We will get older and everything about us will transform. Our faces will change shape & become wrinkly, Our attitudes will adjust, our finances will waver, our relationships will progress or develop but one thing will always be the same. They will always be my friends and we will all progress and develop together.

For providing me with the opportunity to meet such amazing people I thank and blame my school. I know many groups from the same school and they are just the same. It seems arrogant but with such an incredible support network behind me there is nothing I can't do and I hope to be writing the same thing in 10 years time (whilst sitting on my hoverboard).

I hope you get the opportunity to read this boys and if you haven't reached this bit, I didn't think you would you lazy little bastards!

Young

Stormy teacups

Thanks to the internet, I can see so many things being blown so far out of proportion.

I find it incredible that people take these things on board and (evidently) judge by them.

The internet has done as many good things as it has bad. It has raised the profiles of less, column hunting celebrities. There are some who are interesting and full of wisdom and thanks to the internet, a few now partake in public-type messaging boards & social sites.

However, you can't get away from selfless, insignificant types who have no quarms about promoting their latest toenail clipping. (Usually a wonderfully written piece - no doubt invented and typed by a poor English student who will do anything to have their work printed!)

We benefit from these celebrities and their knowledge and it sometimes enlightens our day just to know they are human. I like to try and be human in return if ever served the opportunity (I remember meeting Prince Phillip and addressing him as 'Phil'. Probably a very inappropriate welcome but I would like to consider it honest and as friendly as possible).

Whilst the celebrities post away, we gain and enjoy. BUT...What about non-celebrity types? The internet fame that is produced by the favourite button. I have met other internet types through the information highway and now consider them some of my top ten favourite authors. I thanked a follower on twitter the other day for their blog posts - just trying to give some small recognition for what they are doing and hopefully provide some form of support if they need it.

I read posts in the evening when I can and some of the blog posts I have read can reduce to tears, genuinely make you laugh out loud or if anything, educate you in something outside of your industry.

We all use the internet to learn but are all wary of its content. Wikipedia is a classic example, my university lecturers used to say "Oh, it's from Wiki? It must be genuine then", a beautifully sarcastic comment that instantly let you understand this could be 'bullsh*t and probably is'.

There is a downside though!

I have had some of my posts, comments and moans promoted only to find myself in trouble. Any form of public posting now has the potential to completely drop you in the biggest pile of crud you can imagine.

Recently I thought, everyday my favourite bloggers/tweeters run a gauntlet with what they write and why. I would love my blog/tweets to become as popular as some of the best out there but at the same time, I'm sure they are jealous of the less popular ones who can post what they like, when they like with no comment or care.

Imagine trying to suppress the fear that at any given moment, anything you have written may be blown out of all proportion and be the downfall of your public/internet profile.

Obviously celebrities have run this gauntlet for the whole of their A/B/C/Z list careers but now, because of the internet a different type of celebrity has been born and is now running the gauntlet alongside the celebrities.

I am not the type to scream "LEAVE THEM ALONE", I am not Chris Crocker.

I am not sure there is anything that can be done about it, I know that by posting this blog I am entering into an imaginary agreement between me and the public which states 'If this is sh*t, rude or slanderous, I can and probably will F*ck you over'.

Bearing this in mind I now have to be very careful and make sure I am not too obvious if I have someone to moan about, the rebellious side of me thinks "No! Do what you want, say what you want! This is YOUR space".

Well....it's not is it? I don't own it, never will and won't pay money for it. Therefore I am relinquished of all rules, boundaries and guidelines, which I could set in my own, wonderful, imaginary world.

So, this is the risk. I have/am and will continue to take the risk, to run the gauntlet but if you are one of the types who rips into others internet fumblings, think about why they are posting.

There are people who post supporting religions, sexualities, all sorts. Why are they posting?

It could be to inform you

It could be to instruct you

It could be to get a reaction from you

It could be to shock you

It could be to scare you

It could be to recruit you

These all have a common factor...they are all aimed at you!

Don't get me wrong. Some people post to relieve themselves of stress, to vent. Others post just because they have no one to talk to.

In one way or another I'm sure I have posted things that tick every reason on the list. The thing I struggle with now is why? But that is another blog, another day.

I rarely comment on others videos, posts or blog's because I feel my input is usually unnecessary and unwanted. Why waste that time?

What I do believe is that it's about time I started giving recognition to those that have bettered me one way or another. I don't want these people to rely on it though. But just like an author dedicating a book, I would like to dedicate posts. I know this is not a new concept and I am not claiming it is.

It's a small, humble attempt to thank said author's for risking it all on the gauntlet.

If I am consistent enough in my thinking I would like the dedicated blog to be an ode to the dedicatee. I would like them to know they have triggered something in my mind which produced a full thought pattern and has really made me think.

I hope to attach notes, poems, songs, what ever comes to mind.

Dedications will be written in random sequences, at strange times and will probably have naff all content but it will hopefully feel nice for the recipient.

To start on a strong, debatable foot concerning a recent media frenzy, I would like to dedicate this blog post to Mr Stephen John Fry. I believe him to be a perfect example of the media gauntlet running, internet user. A devoted public figure that has received a recent Molehill to Mountain type explosion. If this post ever passes by him, here is a note for the man himself - Sorry about my writing, pretty shocking I know but none the less humbled and inspired by your www attempts. You are a Gent!

Oh for goodness sake

I like an argument, don't get me wrong. I think everybody likes an argument?

BUT, Imagine this:

There are two people who were in a relationship together and now are not. These two people have argued lots and now every single time they speak (other than pointless 'hello' conversations) they argue..

I am in this situation, I don't know how to say "I understand" whilst trying to have my point understood at the same time. My point is completely disregarded as soon as I start.

There is nothing more frustrating than being talked over.

Here is a fictional example of the brick wall I am constantly running in to whilst being pelted with high speed stones...

The two characters will be named Hugo and Beth (For no particular reason other than I like the names).

Hugo - We are at a fork in the road Beth, I would like to go right. Which way would you like to go?

Beth - I'd like to go left (getting annoyed at the immediate difference of opinion)

Hugo - OK (Deciding to let Beth decide so there would be no conflict), I'll let you decide...

Beth - I don't want to have to make the decision (she may be fibbing)

- Both parties sit in silence -

Hugo - Come on, make a decision now, I hate waiting

Beth - OH MY GOD!!! (raised voice), I DON'T KNOW YOU DECIDE!!!

- Trying to make the best decision for both Hugo takes the left fork but swerves violently to the right every now and again to ease the burning pain from having to make the (what he considers), wrong decision.

- Later that evening Hugo and Beth sit down for dinner and start talking about the day. This is where they run into problems. Hugo would like Beth to understand he had made that decision for her. Although he didn't like it and it caused violent swerving, he had really tried. He now doubts how much Beth respects his decisions/opinions...she didn't make the effort to accept his way so he had to take hers..Her way or nothing.

- When Hugo brings this up, Beth can only focus on the fact that her way meant this and his way meant that. She cannot understand that Hugo isn't trying to talk about which way they should go but about why they should have talked and found a middle ground, rather than having one person annoyed.

Beth cannot understand this and evidently never will so Hugo stands up, pulls out a gun and shoots her in the face, then jumps around wailing "Beth is dead, I shot her in the head".

OK, it didn't end like that but my God I felt like it....

JOKE - DON'T REPORT ME LIKE THAT POOR TWITTER GUY WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT THE AIRPORT HE WAS STUCK IN AND WAS ARRESTED!

(I wonder how many followers he has now??)

ANYWAY

This is the problem I am facing...pig headedness is what I am battling.

I have just re-read this post and it makes absolutely no sense, you are probably reading this thinking "I can see what you're saying (call a doctor), I think you have some valid points (get a straight jacket).

I'm sure we have all felt like this in some way before but it's SO much harder to get past these things. I am so much wiser in my past and the future...I am great at giving advice but don't care for it myself.

Randomly - I occasionally make the typo 'myslef' instead of 'myself' - This randomly lets my mind drift and imagine a picture of gollum from Lord of the rings...I don't know why..

So, have you felt like this? What did you do about it? I'm not sure I want you to answer, I do think you should remember what you did about it and then concrete it as 'the right way' in your brain....You can let me know if you're really keen.

Here are the pin ups I'v drawn.

This has now led a friend to try and convince me to "get a tattoo machine, and practice". My reply was a mere shrug of the shoulders. This then provoked the rather outlandish statement "on me". hahaha

Well, if you insist. JOKE. I have been reading into tattoo machines though and I got the typical response I have now come to expect from the internet - Don't bother, too many people with different opinions. What ever happened to the days of 'have a bash'? I miss those days.

I'm sure there are some genuinely wonderful tattoo specialist out there who could help me but the forums scare me away. I have come to learn that if you do, eventually make a choice as to which machine you want to use and how you will use it, there is always someone who will shout at you.

They'd hate to see the work I'm doing on my mk3 Golf! My toolbox contains a hammer, hacksaw, filler and spray paint. IT'S MY CAR THOUGH :-P haha

Oh, if anyone likes car cleaning/detailing (that's not a common question is it?!), check out: www.detailingworld.co.uk - some pretty serious stuff on there!

Wordy

I have just read the last post I wrote, wow...pretty heavy stuff. Here is something less emotional:

Word fashion

It's always fascinated me how words/sentences/sayings come and go depending on fashion. I still use 'old' fashionable words like 'awesome' but the newest one to come to my attention is 'good times'. This is used in reference to something being experienced by someone and then classed as a time to remember...you would think. NO! Not always, people now have started using in a sarcastic manner. "Just got beaten up and raped - good times".

So that's another new one for me to get my head around whilst still trying to retain the classics that I already use. I believe that some people actually judge me for using older 'cool' words....sorry, what's cool now?

Another new (technology derived) one is 'LOL'. I have actually heard people say LOL. Do they realise they could just laugh out loud instead?

NEW SCHOOL EXAMPLES

Good times

LOL

Fair do's

Random

I like to think that my friends and I start our own 'new words' the latest is 'babes'.

We call everyone and everything babes in a london style accent. It's a good laugh, i'd even go as far as 'good time' but I dont want to be ripped apart.

OLD SCHOOL EXAMPLES

Old school

Rad

Gnarly

Wicked

Awesome

Trumpet

Mad

However, I also think some of the excellent words are long gone and even though they were so descriptive they have been replaced by mere childish terminologies instead (is terminology a word?)

CLASSIC EXAMPLES

Crumbs

Wonderful

Wind your neck in

Crikey

These (and many others) should be brought back into circulation so I leave it to you to try and regenerate the wonderful English language!

741 days later..

Haven't written here for a while! Not entirely sure what I'm going to write but I do know I need a creative outlet again so i'll bash it around here.

My life now.

No Hannah (ex girlfriend), new girlfriend for a few months - quite messy...over now. No more uni - have to get to work and pay to live instead :-(

That'll do..

New Goals:

- Sort out a decent, paying career. I'm struggling with the current economic climate but I'm sure I'll be able to sort something out eventually.

- Find a new place to live

- Put myself in the position of buying a property

and although its not an active goal, the constant (never ending?) search for a girlfriend.

Girls are messy creatures and although sometimes it seems they go out of their way to get one over on you, I refuse to believe it. I've had some bad run ins in my time but I obviously don't believe they're ALL rubbish otherwise I wouldn't keep looking.

SO...

Because I am no longer in a relationship it has provided me with time to explore creative potentials. I am spending my evenings learning new techniques and I have started sketching again. The sketches I am trying now are pin up girls. I have used imaged from various websites and tried to recreate them using a scratchy, graphic pen effect. I am relatively happy with the results but know that very soon I will have to start exploring my own designs and starting with an entirely blank canvas.

Recently I have been reading other peoples blogs and I have found a couple that I believe are absolutely fantastic. I'll share them with you:

http://www.diaryofaledger.com/

http://www.unlikelyboatbuilder.com/

http://davielegend.blogspot.com/

The boat builder blog I found just through general searching, its a great read! You see the development of human ability through learning and it favours my life long love of the marine industry.

The other two are a couple of guys I'm following on twitter. @DavieLegend has recently written an incredibly heart tugging piece about one of his friends proposing, it really gets you! Be prepared! haha

@diaryofaledger has been a continuous one that is a top favourite read for me. He is in fact the inspiration for me to get back on here!

I often wonder when reading/writing blogs, "where's this going?". I have no pre-determined idea for my writing and I'm not sure other bloggers do either. It's about venting and have a creative thunderstorm on your keyboard I guess.

I'm not sure anybody reads what I'm writing on here, facebook, twitter, etc but I'm not sure if that matters. I occasionally like to think I'm educating people somehow by posting something beautiful or stuffed with facts.

So blogging, a great idea. I have come across some really rubbish blogs and have taken note of how to NOT be boring for anybody who might want to read so I guess its about time I tried to add interest to my blog somehow, sugeestions are welcome. I'm going to go and have a think now.

Also, just so you know. I barely proof read what I've written so I apologise for any spelling, grammar mishaps throughout x