Love and associated feelings

Isn't love great?

I tasted it and it's flavours are unforgettable. I'm sure one day it will come back and I can use it in a more skilful way. They say you have to pay a price for love, I think it's about finding the right price. There is no 'free' and never will be, that is how a relationship works.

My love encounters and blunders

I think I had love once. I would like to think I am relatively educated in the field of relationships now and am currently enjoying a breathing period before the next encounter.

Of all the relationships I have had with people, the only time I can recognise what has gone wrong is in a period of self-reflection just after a (usually) messy, long winded break up.

Someone said to me the other day "I've never had a messy break up" and my instantaneous thought was "You've never had anything that meant a lot then". I may be wrong, accuse me of rash thinking if you like, I still think it now.

I think, if you've never had a messy break up then you must have never cared much about the person. In my experience my break ups are messy because of the amount of emotional attachment between the two people. It rips me to pieces if I don't want it to end and vica versa.

In my most recent encounter it was a case of neither of us wanting it to end but it had to, we just didn't work, we didn't get along. After the initial idea, it was dragged out and became a painful experience which I have (and still am trying) to bury deep somewhere in my memory so, if need be, when I think of it again it will have been long enough for it to then be covered in roses and smell like fresh air.

Ouch! There it is again *sigh*

My last relationship meant a lot to me, it was a huge learning curve and it was with a completely different type of person. She was fantastic but I think maybe we were too alike in some ways...certainly in the 'stubborn as a donkey' way.

It was a massive shame, I had the innocent, adolescent dreams of a future together, something I haven't felt for a long time.

Another possible reason for our break up (also a nice link to the next part of this blog), was the lack of a 'honeymoon' period. Because of the situation we both found ourselves in and because of our circumstances, we missed the 'honeymoon' type walks on the beach, the gentle kisses and the fun alone.

We found ourselves almost instantly living the lives of a married couple, which was nice and worked at first, but we definitely missed out on one of the fundamental parts of a fresh relationship..we had no chance to grow together.

A vain hope of friendship was also destroyed by the volatile nature of our relationship and now all is lost.

It makes it so much harder to move on when you care so much. I think everybody has experienced this.

The next part I referred to earlier is...

The Honeymoon period

What a beautiful part of any relationship. This is the part of the relationship I enjoy the most, the courting. The beautiful words and feelings exchanged between two people bearing their souls and naked bodies to each other for the first time. The pure, untouched innocence of two individuals meeting and developing a whole new life to share together.

(You may notice, I'm a slight romantic. I might run away with these subjects, be warned!)

I love the excitement of the honeymoon. Everything is new and fresh...everything is beautiful. One of the problems in many relationships is the awkward, painful bump of the soil on your arse as you wake up to the real world at the end of the honeymoon.

I can never see the end of the honeymoon coming, it always surprises me. That horrid moment when you fall out of the cocoon that you and your new partner have wrapped yourselves up in.

It's like a beautiful butterfly being created inside a chrysalis and then when the chrysalis opens, finding out it can't fly...where's the beautiful butterfly now? It has a long climb back up that's for sure!

So, the honeymoon. Such an amazing time of sunsets and sunrises, countryside and so on. This is what I yearn for when I am single, to feel that excitement again. To feel the love and to know someone wants me in their life so much.

I don't think I will ever be able to put that feeling into words, that's why I seem to be dribbling on about it. I am sure you have all experienced it and if you haven't...look forward to it! There is no amount of embarrassment that is considered too much to be able to have this feeling. I would do almost anything for it, and have!

The next part is (for me) the hardest part.

Once the honeymoon has ended, the adjustments that need to be made so the relationship can survive the swings and roundabouts of life. It's like preparing a ship for a rough sea, checking and double checking everything is secure before you make the voyage.

The problem is; you don't know what life is going to throw at you. It changes 'per relationship', something that wasn't a problem before is now a fundamental issue. This confuses me to a whole new degree.

I often think this is where I have always gone wrong..

If I had somehow managed to have had an amicable break up, I could re-visit...

I should imagine some of you are shouting "NO!! THAT'S TOTALLY WRONG!" at the computer screen right now but wait, hear me out me first.

So, I've managed an amicable break up and am now considering a re-visit. The reason a re-visit makes sense is because I know the person, I know all potential problems between us and how they can be dealt with. I know this because I have had my 'reflection' period directly after the break up and my 'calm thinking' moment whilst being single.

I am now in an excellent position to tackle this problem head on. I would only re-visit if the relationship & person had meant a lot to me, so I know it would be worth it.

An excellent idea! If you're in the position to re-visit, give it a bash and let me know how it turns out!

I am a soppy bugger most of the time but this has it's bad sides. I get walked on, I let myself get walked on. I am guilty of placing my partner on a pedestal. Holding them higher than myself and putting them in front of everything in the world. I have had some experiences where the person has (accidently) abused this and I have reacted badly to that. I mean, essentially it's my own damn fault...right?

My mother once said to me -

"Put someone on a pedestal and they will look down on you".

..She's nuts but in this instance, she is right..

Anyway, so nothing to turn back to, only things to look forward to.

I find it very easy to realise these things as I am writing them but when I try to put them into practice, I fail.

Throughout my relationships I have learnt so much about myself. Some have told me things about myself, whilst others have just provided an experience which I can treat as a lesson!

I had one girlfriend who was supportive, very supportive. She respected me and although she didn't always agree with what I was saying she respected my views. That was a truly fun relationship which was unfortunately massacred during the break up period.

The reason I enjoyed that relationship so much was it showed me what I really wanted from my future partner. I also enjoyed it because of the huge amount of belief my girlfriend placed in me.

I began to understand that something I really required was support and security. I love a good, solid, reliable relationship. This is on my check-list now.

I have 'trust' issues...this is what I have been told. I agree, yes I do but in my bloody minded view at the time, I expected the girl to be able to cope with them rather than addressing them myself. - FAIL

I think the point I am trying to get round to is that I think everybody wants the same thing. They just want it in a different way. I have come to realise that even if my girlfriend wants the same things as me...we can still argue about them because we look at them in a different way.

It's insane!!

I know my friends have experienced what I have (in different ways) and have had many different reactions to them. The problem for me now is that I don't want to be single, but at the same time, I do.

I hate the cliche "I need some 'me' time."

That's a load of crap...you need a maximum of three weeks 'me' time and then you get bored of 'me'!

I don't need 'me' time. I do want some time to get myself back in position and get my life back on track. I think I should be more cautious in my next relationship, if I was playing poker then every hand, I'd go all in! That hasn't worked so now...cautious..

I miss the cuddles and the company, you know, the classic stuff. I also miss sex but for some unknown reason, a one night stand is (almost) acceptable, where as a one night cuddle isn't. Sex can be sorted...a decent cuddle is hard to come by!

I miss the connection, I miss the comfort but there are lots of things I don't miss which support my current situation and I suppose in some ways, I'm enjoying myself.

I now get to write my blog, work on my car and draw! These are all brilliant creative outlets that I don't do when I'm in a relationship.

Is there such a thing as relationship autistic? I think I might be that..I don't realise what I miss when I'm in a relationship. I don't get the feeling "I miss ....." but when I get to do it again I suddenly realise "I love ....., I have missed ..... so much!!"

Anyway.

I don't know where this is going now and I've kind of lost track but this is why I have the blog..

I love relationships and am now on the quest to carefully look for one which won't kill me or the other person. I need to find my future.

I will treat it like 'time team' dusting through the mud and dirt to find the spoils and treasures of a forgotten era.

I think I am going to go with the policy of If you look, you will not find. This seems like the safest bet (really it's because I am removing all expectations for me to have a girlfriend). I am waiting for one to get near, to taste it. When I like the taste I will follow it and try to add something to it to make it better.

I am very tired and it's now starting to show in my writing. This has gone from 'The Young Rambles' to 'THE PSYCHO NIGHTLY'

If you feel you have something to add to this, go ahead, please!. You can email me at JJBellhouse@hotmail.co.uk if you feel that your advice would help me..or even provide a subject for me to ponder over.

Night all..

The war of the world

This post is led from a series of recent News stories, articles and general hype which is beginning to encompass the whole world.

A few years ago, the world began to notice random terrorist type events which were led from religions and general disagreements between Nations and beliefs.

These 'scares' are becoming more frequent and now there seems to be a permanent reign of terror in some part of the world. I know that these events have always been happening and now (because of the internet) we receive information about such things more often, but...

It does seem to be more common now.

Everyday I learn of another threat to society that has begun and how it will affect somewhere or something.

I started thinking about this because of the student protests in London at the conservative headquarters. I understand the reason for the protest and I understand that it got 'out of hand' by pure accident (so rumour has it), but want I don't understand is the lengths some people went to to make their statement.

A few years ago a protest in Britain meant sitting outside a depot with a banner and if you wanted to be really extreme you would handcuff yourself to a gate or something. But now everything has changed. The student protests were fuelled by anger, there was nothing rational about them and now, because of this, their message has been forgotten and the law has been harsh upon them.

To me, it looked like some European looting rampage as opposed to a group of disgruntled British students trying to make a political statement.

I think everybody had the same feeling when watching the fire extinguisher being hurled from the top of the building and almost hitting a policeman. It was unnecessary, as was most of the protest itself. How can anyone expect to be taken seriously if this is the result?

There is no room for negotiation thanks to this mindless vandalism.

However, this is just one example of what is now happening in Britain and across the world. Protests are becoming riots, times of mourning are being attacked and most of the issues we read about now are quite frankly, below the belt.

There was also the recent incident of the Poppy burning in London?!

Germany has been threatened with an Islamic attack, Madagascar have been threatened with a new regime led by angry Soldiers discussing taking 'power'.

The list goes on..

I know that we mainly only hear bad news but these sort of scares are happening at an average rate of 2 per day and its obvious that this will increase over time.

Is there not something we can do put a stop to all this? A 'no nonsense' policy? 1 Strike and you're out..

The problem now is that this terrorist type behaviour has begun to effect so many people that it seems to be the new answer to any problem that could possibly exist. At this rate, in 10 years time people will be threatening a small Hamlet with a nuclear stand off just because the person didn't think their library fine was acceptable.

As I mentioned in a previous post, people on twitter have been affected by this and now cannot make a joke or pun without having the full force of the law put upon them.

Surely, when looking at it from this point of view, the Metropolitan Police must realise they are wasting all this time chasing imaginary threats?

Is it because the real threats are too hard to deal with? Because they're only getting worse!

I know by writing this I am opening a can of worms and am also, in effect, putting my own head on the block. I can see the headlines already: BOY USES BLOG TO PROMOTE DEATH & VIOLENCE TO ENTIRE WORLD, SOLAR SYSTEM AND UNIVERSE!

Hahaha...

So, is it getting worse? it getting more common? What can we do?

These are the problems we should be addressing. The whole scenario reminds me of some sort of '1984esque' novel. We will be an entirely controlled nation, helpless, defenseless and completely dependable on a regime that 'cares' for us. Whilst renegades and mavericks roam free and terrorise us.

(It could also be a little like mad max.. )

This needs to be sorted out pretty quickly really because its all becoming a bit dangerous. I want back the times of protesting in a duffel coat with a banner I've painted using watercolours. No more climbing on buildings to make a point.

If this is because the government aren't hearing your voice, find another...better way to get their attention!

I don't like the idea of having to raise my children in a threatened world and then dying and leaving them with a problem that my generation created.

Chase the right people and stop them

Saturday Song List is as follows -

Lighthouse family - High (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EOBayZ-517k)

Audioslave - Be yourself (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WC5FdFlUcl0)

Pachelbels Canon in D (Classic - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Af372EQLck&feature=fvst)

Stiff little fingers - Beirut Moon (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3QHkmJMhn4)

Nik Kershaw - The riddle (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ehHOwmQRxU)

Chaka Khan - I feel for you (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ObjLb6ElTvs)

Phaeleh - Plink (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQBBFt5rXz0) - Sit back and relax!!

Also I would like to add a song to the list which isn't essentially a song but this week it has helped me along my way a little bit..

Matt cardle (X Factor) - The first time (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D-5M93tovEs)

New feature! Saturday Songs List

The Saturday song list comprises a list of songs I enjoy and have listened to during the week.

It would be silly to list all the songs so this is a small compilation of excellence!

If you have any suggestions either comment or tweet me @JamesBellhouse

TOP OF THIS WEEKS LIST:

Led Zeppelin - Tangerine

(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-AbHItLrJw)

Scams, lies and thiefs

Recently I have been reading a book about Bernard Madoff.

This man has been noted for almost pulling off the worlds greatest scam. He managed to mug America off to the tune of 65 Billion dollars.

That's a lot of money! But how?!

Well he abused trust and he was (evidently) a very, very clever man.

After meeting with a friend of mine today who is in the financial services game, it got me thinking.

My friend works with the mortgage industry and I questioned him as to how I could scam him and the banks. He had a damn good final comment but that's by-the-by.

So, back to Bernie. The reason Madoff was caught was because his sons told the police what he was up to. Basically he used something called a Ponzi scheme to attract thousands of investors.

This is (roughly) how it worked:

- Investor 1 invests 50k on the basis that he will get the money back with a profit of 10%.

and then..

- Investor 2 invests 50k on the basis that he will get the money back with a profit of 10%.

finally..

- Investor 1 receives his 50k with 10% of the money from Investor 2's initial investment cash as 'profit'.

Ponzi complete..

- Investor 1 is amazed! He tells everyone and more people invest.

- Each investor is given money back every now and then until they are investing such large sums of cash, they are happy to be receiving monthly updates of how their 'investments' are doing.

Then a hedge fund is set up and all the investors put their money into the hedge fund which acts as a more long term investment which increases periodically thanks to clever stock market playing.

What is really happening is most of the investment money is now lining the pocket of the hedge fund manager (fake hedge fund) and small amounts are being paid back to investors.

What a fantastic idea?! Part of me has the attitude - If you're dumb enough to fall for it.. However, these types of scams are very clever and often hard to spot so that doesn't necessarily apply.

Now, to know exactly why Madoff did this is hard to figure out. He wasn't completely money hungry and he really had no reason to rip people off at all. He is one of the main people we have to thank for a computerised stock exchange. Thanks to the invention of that, he was in an excellent position (financially).

I think he almost didn't know how fraudulent he was being. He wasn't stupid, he must have known what he was doing but maybe it all got a little out of control?

Either that or he had the biggest balls known to man!

So, running with the idea of massive balls...

I questioned my friend, this is a slightly dramatised version of how the conversation went:

(Bold writing is me, italic writing is my friend)

So if I brought fake payslips to you would you give me a mortgage? I'd already have my loan from the bank which I would be telling you is my inheritance.

That works up to a point but the mortgage company will want to see bank statements, etc.

What if I had fake bank statements?

The mortgage company may check with the bank. Also, you'd fail on your credit score because the money isn't actually inheritance...it's a debt.

What if I invented a fake person, set up a fake bank account, transferred the loan to my new name and then applied with all my fake documents?

What sort of idiot would do that?!

The main problem is that a lot of the banks are interlinked and talk to each other. Anything fake would be pretty easy to find out.

Now, the most important part of the conversation....

Also, why would you even want to do that? Most of the checks (that the mortgage company make) are put in place to make sure you can actually afford the mortgage so even if you did get a mortgage by doing all of this, you wouldn't be able to pay it.

Haha, of course...he's right.

Then I'd effectively have own two names, two debts and wouldn't be able to pay either!

Unless I did a Madoff! - I won't, I'll be honest, my balls are no where near big enough to start trying to pull off large scale scams!

So, it's an interesting thought pattern. It shows how easily these things escalate into a whole world of trouble.

I'm not going to lie, most of this is just dribble coming out of my mouth and being transferred to paper (screen) in a rather poor blog attempt but I hope I get some cogs turning in brains.

Summary

I investigated a scam and it isn't possibly unless you have massive balls and a lot of luck.

I certainly do not condone scams and definitely don't advise them, DON'T DO IT, IT'S NOT WORTH IT!

Now I'm going to make myself a cup of tea, have a cigarette (again, not condoned) and go to bed (after I've had a cigarette and my cup of tea).

Hope I haven't disappointed too much!

Night